ive never understood the redundancy of those lyrics. yes its midnight and im wide awake. i took one hell of a nap and haven’t gotten back into sleepy mode.

last week i was in a very “don’t ask me, someone else do it” mode where i didn’t want to make any decisions or plans or do anything really but grow a baby in peace. not that my life is all that hectic, but i had no desire to make any preparations for basically anything. i dont know if the impending responsibility of motherhood got to me or if i was having issues with gender roles or what.  i understand that moms are the go-to person in households and generally take care of everyone and everything, but i got all “there’s more than one of us in the house, someone else can handle…everything”.

and then all the comments from the Debbie Downers had irritated me.  people’s golden advice to “sleep now” like i can bank hours slept and then withdraw them when needed.  i would have BEEN doing that if it were possible.  yes i know babies cry.  yes i know that babies require lots of attention.  is that really all your kid did? one guy was actually really positive about it.  he was like “you go through all the shit and crying and diapers, and then one day your kid is on stage as a carrot and you have to stop yourself from getting teary eyed because it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen”.  THAT is why people want kids! that’s the kind of word of mouth that should get spread about babies. its all worth it when they grab your hand or say their first word or something like that.  don’t just tell me about the damn diapers.

but this week i’ve shifted back towards getting it together.  today i booked us a tour of the Labor & Delivery ward, although because of our super yuppie hospital the feb 12 class was instantly booked and we don’t go till feb 26, so fingers crossed we make it that long.  i called a doctors office for a pediatrician.  well that’s all i did but that’s lots more progress than i had made last week.

and between this lack of planning and taking care of business, i’ve started to wonder what kind of parent i’d be.  at first i kept thinking I’m ME! why would i need to change? i can still balance being me and doing the things i enjoy and still be a decent friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, worker, etc. but last night i read in the Second Kid First book about how your life is supposed to change.  the husband (it’s written by a couple) was saying how his single friends would go on and on about how they wouldn’t be able to do anything because they were having a baby and their life would totally change.  yeah that’s what parents sign up for right? i mean i don’t want to totally change my personality (and i don’t intend to stop going to movies or give up my little car) but i am making a mental note (and highlighted Kindle note) that things will always be different.

i don’t want to be the type that plans everything down to the t and put the kid on a strict schedule or diet or make them join all types of extra curricular activities for a transcript.  i don’t want to be so laid back that the kid calls me by my first name and doesn’t have a bedtime.  i want my kid to be their own person and if they choose to come with me to target in suspenders and church shoes, or an Iron Man costume then so be it.  but we will be listening to Spoon in the car (that’s the part of the book i’m on now. you don’t have to listen to kiddie music just because youre a parent).

but if pregnancy has taught me nothing else, i have learned that i can’t really plan for anything.  so i’ll just sort of wing it and hope for the best.

oh and worse come to worse i’ll trade in Coop for this: